The year 2021 slowly ends and that means only one thing – many of us will set a New Year resolutions. I can only assume that people who are single will put one little goal on their lists – to find a partner. That can seem to be a hard task to do, but fear not – here I step into your life as a mentor and will guide your through everything.
As a single 21 year-old straight cis man, who has never been in relationships, doesn’t go outside a and his hobbies include videogames, books and Dungeons & Dragons, I am obviously the most qualified person in this room to talk on this topic. Don’t believe me? Look around and tell me – do you see anyone more competent?
If you by any chance said “Yes”, think once again after you see my resumé:
MICHAL ŠPITÁLSKÝ Matchmaker, relationship counsellor and expert on all things relationship --------------------------- EDUCATION: My expertise on this topic has its sources in learning from the best of the best in seducing and love art. Those experts include: - Brock (Pokémon) - Joe Barbaro (Mafia II) - the art of pickup lines - The Fabulous Baron Munchhausen - Rex Mohs --------------------------- EXPERIENCE: - I matched exactly 0 couples, none of which have broken up - I know a girl... personally - I saw Grease and Dirty Dancing (multiple times) - I own the Grease videogame for Nintendo DS - I had mononucleosis a.k.a "the kissing disease", even though I never kissed anyone... I swear to God it counts!
What else to say? Love is my destiny…
So as a person who would be described as “virgo intacta” by a pathologist from classic noir detective films, I decided to create a few simple tips and tricks on how to talk to your potential lovers effectively, easily a deliciously.
It’s all in the books
Every science article should begin with author seeking credible information in published academic sources, or so it has been explained to me by desperate tutors, when I wrote an entire essay from the top of my head and only then spent sleepless nights searching Wikipedia for references to accompany my opinions.
I have chosen a trinity of reputable books to aid me in my search
- “The Complete Guide to Magic and Witchcraft” od Kathryn Paulsen
- “A Smart Girl’s Guide to Boys” by Nancy Holyoke
- “Smart Girl’s Guide to God, Guys, and the Galaxy” by Susie Shellenberger
If you’re worried that my sources focus only on talking to boys and a girl is what you desire, rest assured! We will explore various tips that work on both sexes and if you are adventurous, you can try some of the boy-tips on girls and vice versa.
In “The Complete Guide to Magic and Witchcraft”, the author Kathryn Paulsen claims that “You may fascinate a woman by giving her a piece of cheese.”
This is a simple and reliable piece of dating advice, working in approximately 121,5% of all cases. All you have to do is to put on your shoes, walk to the nearest store or supermarket, locate a dairy aisle and pick one cheese of the vast selection. If you are a tryhard, or Jeremy Clarkson, you can alternatively buy a farm with some animals, milk them and make your very won cheese.
This method is more time consuming, so please adjust your dating schedule accordingly. Not recommended for those who want to marry before 25.
The book does not specify which type of cheese is the best, so I recommend listening to your heart. You can go with some safer option such as cheddar or eidam, or even some speciality cheese if you are daring enough. Only your creativity is your limit. The vast sortiment of cheeses in today’s supermarkets is your friend here, so pick wisely.
Another thing that the book does not care to describe is how large should the piece of cheese be. Since semantics can be tricky sometimes, I decided to turn to Google for help. Fortunately, a quick search of the phrase “what size do women prefer?” yielded a rather useful chart which should help you with picking the right size.
This graph shows a heatmap of ideal parameters for the cheese, so take a ruler with you into the store and I am certain you will find an ideal piece of cheese somewhere around 16,5 cm (6,5 inches) in length and with circumference of 14 cm (5,5 inches). I am no cheesemaker so I cannot fully understand what is meant by circumference of cheese, but if you take that measurement as thickness of the loaf, you should be alright.
I see no reason why this method should be only limited to women, even though the book says so. Please bear in mind, that my research into ideal sizes yielded a slightly larger average for men (presumably because of bigger apetite) so keep that in mind while in store.
The second book titled “A Smart Girl’s Guide to Boys” lists the phrase “I wish they’d teach us more about Vikings.” as a good conversation starter when talking to boys.
Once again, this is easy to follow and reliable trick. It’s more suitable for a very beginning of a relationship, but you can use it to impress an already established friend as well. Vikings are a brilliant icebreaker topic; judging by the locations they lived in, one could assume they were pretty good at breaking ice.
If you desire to completely amaze your future significant other with your Viking knowledge, you are free to bombard them with following facts:
- Vikings did not wear helmets with horns, it is a common misconception
- The first European child to be born on American soil was Gnorri, the son of a Viking sailor and explorer Gudrid, who arrived to Canada around 1010 where she gave birth to him
- The English word ‘blackmail’ has nothing to do with the word ‘mail’. It is instead derived from Old Norse ‘mál’ which means ‘speech’
Sometimes it happens that you amaze the other person that much that they stop responding. Do not worry, this is completely normal. If there is no response within a few years, you did a great job since you obviously made an everlasting impression.
The last of my academic sources is the book “Smart Girls Guide to God, Guys, and the Galaxy”. I must admit that I was not awed by the book’s formatting and soon I found myself browsing the pages, searching for something eye-catching.
And so it happens that my eyes were caught by a heading saying “Study the Bible“. You see? This is brilliant! This is called referencing and it’s a exemplary academic practice. The author does not solely rely on her opinion and instead refers to a creditable source.
So I gladly followed her example and opened a Bible to look for dating advice. Of all the verses and quotes I read through, only one seemed to be usable as a dating advice and that was Ephesians 5:25 saying “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, “.
I am aware that Bible is all open to interpretation of a reader and I made my understanding very clear: Gentlemen, if you want to seduce a lady, nail yourself to a cross. Martyrdom boosts your attractivity and soon no girl will resist you.
Bibliography:
- Holyoke, N. and Chavarri, E. (2013). A Smart girl’s Guide to Boys : Surviving Crushes, Staying True to Yourself & Other Stuff. Middleton, Wi: American Girl.
- Paulsen, K. (1972). The Complete Book of Magic and Witchcraft. 1st ed. Signet / New American Library, p.97.
- Shellenberger, S. (2014). Smart Girl’s Guide to God, Guys, and the Galaxy. Ohio Shellenberger & Weber.
- The Holy Bible : Containing The Old And New Testaments ; Translated Out Of The Original Tongues And With The Former Translations Diligently Compared And Revised. (1986). New York: American Bible Society.
Video killed the radio star
I am aware of the fact that we live in a fast paced age and many of you have no time to read through every lengthy article they found on yet another’s imbecile’s blog and i feel for you.
Therefore, I have taken the time to find a two brilliant educational videos showing us principles that are easy to grasp, simple to follow and incredibly useful. The next dating advice is brought to you by a MasterClass level expert: Scott Wozniak!
The first video deals with the problematics of so called speed dating – partners have only limited time to get to know each other and so it’s crucial to be memorable and stand out from the crowd. The second video then helps us to apply dating strategy to a real life situations such as school dances.
I also suggest to take these videos as a mere inspiration instead of one guaranteed way. But you know what – we have to explore the topic from all angles.
Moving on!
Valentine cards
The Valentine’s day has become more of a commercial thing than a celebration of love, but it does not have to be that way. Show the boy or girl of your dreams that romance is not dead and look stylish while doing so. And it does not matter at all that there are three months until Valentine’s day. A true love knows no bounds!
A valentine card is a relatively easy concept: you take a piece of paper, write down the name of your beloved one, add a love confession and deliver either personally or in 2-5 working days by mail.
And before you know it, bada-bim, bada-bum:
wedding ™
The fact that you are limited only by your creativity applies here as well. You can find a ton of pre-made templates of valentine cars online. Using these templates is a bit debatable. While it does not necessarily put you on the list of the worst people in history; trust me there are some bad people there;…
…it’s not a something you want your crush to know. You used a pre-made valentine card? Bravo, Mr. Daring!
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing explicitly wrong with it. You just look like a human equivalent of 2003 Honda Civic and I bet your favourite food is toast, the most exciting part of your day is watching evening news and you think holding hands before marriage is a sin.
We, on the other hand, are true artists! We love the same way we create – with burning passion! And that’s how I will show you an easy way to make yourself a valentine card.
If you are already booting up your Photoshop, GIMP, MS Paint or whatever tool you use I have something to say first: “Calm down, Casanova! Patience is the key to lady’s heart…”
First things first, you have to choose a topic for your card. It could really be anything, so once again, let your imagination run wild and create.
I noticed a correlation between the start of development of the videogame For Honor in 2012 with a sudden rise in birth-rate in Czech Republic and came to a conclusion that For Honor is indeed a romantic topic, if it could singlehandedly cause a turn in a statistic that is a direct result of love between two people.
The card itself is nothing to complicated. Open an editor of your choice, create a new canvas and fill in the background with a colour of your taste. Then add a cheesy pickup line, a dad joke or even a lewd reference if you are feeling daring. And don’t forget a space for the “to:” and “from:” fields so you can address your monstrosity directly to your crush.
The choice of font is totally up to you. I went with Comic Sans to show the world how informal and naughty can I be. I think it’s subtle enough…
As you can see, it’s quite a simple process, but very effective. As far as I know, no boy or girl can resist a valentine card that is crafted with love, bonus points if the topic is For Honor.
I also found some cards online as another inspiration, especially to those who do not feel comfortable around knights in shining armour.
In conclusion
I hope that previous paragraphs have given you the inspiration and courage to go outside and try your luck in the little game we call love. In the end, no recipe for love is perfect so whether you decide to give my methods a shot or not, you will still need to play it by ear from time to time.
They say “just be yourself”. That may or may not be true which ultimatelly depends on your personalitty. I would say be yourself, if you feel like you are interesting person, that you have something to bring to the conversation or if you have 500+ reputation in For Honor.
I would discourage you to be yourself, if you have your name somewhere in this list:
And in the end, hope that you have a good luck, since that is also a huge part of it…
So grab your cheese, valentine cards and memorise some Viking facts, because love is in the air, everywhere I look around!